Many people outside the adoption community don't know that the child isn't the only one who suffers. Most people (even I at one point) have this fantasy about adoption and how you're doing this great and noble thing by saving a child. Most people can understand how the child experiences grief and loss - especially with international adoption. But what most people don't realize is how the parents and even other siblings can experience grief too.
In order for any adoption to take place, great loss has to occur. It starts with the child being abandoned. The child grows in it's mother's womb and hears her voice for the entire length of the pregnancy. And in some cases, especially in China, the child is not abandoned until they are months or even years old. In those cases the child even gets to know it's mother's smells, mannerisms, etc. Then - all at once - she's gone. And an institution is not a nurturing environment.
In the case of international adoption, the child is adopted by people that don't look like them, don't smell like them and don't speak the same language as them. Also, institutionalized children are often very sheltered and do not get to experience even the small things we take for granted - like riding in a car or being surrounded by people wanting to give you attention.
When we understand all the child is giving up and all the overwhelming feelings of fear and loss, it's easy to feel sympathy when they are crying or even when they act out. This is all part of the grieving process.
In Faith's case, she wasn't abandoned until she was approximately 4 months old. Giant loss! Then she lived in the orphanage for four years until she was placed in the first foster home. Another loss! She lived in that foster home for about one year and then was placed in a different foster home. Great loss! She lived in the second foster home for about one year and then was moved to yet another foster home. Another great loss! She only lived in that third foster home for about 2-3 months before we came to adopt her. Another loss. And with each of these losses, there is one commonality - it always involves a "mama". Even the nannies in the orphanage are often called "mama". So in Faith's case, she has been "abandoned" by at least FIVE different women between me and her birth mother. When I stop to consider this, it's heartbreaking. When I think of this with my logical brain, it all makes sense why she would be hesitant to attach to yet another woman.
Unfortunately, I was the one who picked up Faith and allowed her foster mother to leave on Monday. She was screaming and crying and all I wanted to do was attempt to comfort her. But looking back, it may have given her reason to believe all of the fear and grief she is feeling now is all my fault. Also, since she has already been hurt and abandoned by five other women, it's very possible she believes I will be just one more in the line of women to reject her. All of this combined has caused her to just short of completely reject me.
She has no problem playing with the kids, holding their hands, riding on Nathan's shoulders or piggy back on Casey. She will willingly go to Kevin, and even my mom...but for me - nothing! She will let me take her to the bathroom and help her wash her hands. She will let me change her clothes and bathe her, all the things she's used to nannies doing...but when it comes to playing, snuggling or bonding, I get nada! (But apparently her sub-conscience like me because she will snuggle with me in her sleep). If I ask her for a hug she adamantly says no and sometimes will even go as far as to walk away and give someone else a hug instead. She screams and says no any time I try to hold her in my lap unless I bribe her with a game on my phone or her tablet. If I try to give her food she rejects it but will eat the same food if given by Kevin.
When we adopted Cheyenne, she clearly had a preference for Kevin but didn't push me away. She was affectionate when asked and would let me play with her. With Faith, it feels very different. It feels like she HATES me. Again, when I use my logical brain it all makes sense. But unfortunately, the rejection hurts and it is near impossible not to take it personal. And it hurts like no other hurt I have ever felt! Even though it's only been a two days, it all came to a head yesterday and I spent the majority of the day sobbing. Even our guide tried to talk to her and tell her that we are her family now and I love her and would never hurt her but she just doesn't believe it yet.
But there are moments of hope. There have been a few moments when she has let her guard down and shown me what a sweet and adorable little girl she really is. Yesterday we were eating ice cream and she willingly kept giving me bites of her ice cream. Today we went to a park and let the kids play with some outside toys we bought for them. She had a good time throwing an airplane toy to me, having me catch it and throw it back to her. She took turns with me, Chey and Memere, but at least she included me. At one point I took the girls to the bathroom and while we were washing our hands, I purposefully splashed a little on Faith and laughed. Then I let her splash me and when Cheyenne joined in and they ganged up on mommy, that was BIG fun....but then not 5 minutes later when it was time to leave the play area and I reached for her hand she broke down in tears again, telling our guide she doesn't want to hold my hand. This was seriously less than FIVE minutes from our fun water fight. So yes, it is very, very hard not to take it personal.
Each time she rejects me, I can feel myself withdrawing from her just a little too. But then in those other moments, she melts my heart and I fall back in love with her all over again. I'm just praying as the days and months go on, those good times start to outnumber the bad. Eventually the kids will go to school and Kevin will go to work and she will be stuck with only me. Is it bad that I can't wait for that to happen?
When my logical brain turns back on, I know it won't be like this for long. I remember the hurt I sometimes felt with Cheyenne and now, she is my shadow. You would think those memories and realizations would make it better or easier but sometimes my logical brain turns off and my emotional brain replaces it.
I just wish there was some way I could take her pain away and convince her that this is one mama she will never lose. I will never abuse or abandon her. I know in time she will trust me and love me. Until then, I'll keep appreciating the good times when her guard is down.
Please continue to pray for Faith's heart (and mine). This too shall pass!
In order for any adoption to take place, great loss has to occur. It starts with the child being abandoned. The child grows in it's mother's womb and hears her voice for the entire length of the pregnancy. And in some cases, especially in China, the child is not abandoned until they are months or even years old. In those cases the child even gets to know it's mother's smells, mannerisms, etc. Then - all at once - she's gone. And an institution is not a nurturing environment.
In the case of international adoption, the child is adopted by people that don't look like them, don't smell like them and don't speak the same language as them. Also, institutionalized children are often very sheltered and do not get to experience even the small things we take for granted - like riding in a car or being surrounded by people wanting to give you attention.
When we understand all the child is giving up and all the overwhelming feelings of fear and loss, it's easy to feel sympathy when they are crying or even when they act out. This is all part of the grieving process.
In Faith's case, she wasn't abandoned until she was approximately 4 months old. Giant loss! Then she lived in the orphanage for four years until she was placed in the first foster home. Another loss! She lived in that foster home for about one year and then was placed in a different foster home. Great loss! She lived in the second foster home for about one year and then was moved to yet another foster home. Another great loss! She only lived in that third foster home for about 2-3 months before we came to adopt her. Another loss. And with each of these losses, there is one commonality - it always involves a "mama". Even the nannies in the orphanage are often called "mama". So in Faith's case, she has been "abandoned" by at least FIVE different women between me and her birth mother. When I stop to consider this, it's heartbreaking. When I think of this with my logical brain, it all makes sense why she would be hesitant to attach to yet another woman.
Unfortunately, I was the one who picked up Faith and allowed her foster mother to leave on Monday. She was screaming and crying and all I wanted to do was attempt to comfort her. But looking back, it may have given her reason to believe all of the fear and grief she is feeling now is all my fault. Also, since she has already been hurt and abandoned by five other women, it's very possible she believes I will be just one more in the line of women to reject her. All of this combined has caused her to just short of completely reject me.
She has no problem playing with the kids, holding their hands, riding on Nathan's shoulders or piggy back on Casey. She will willingly go to Kevin, and even my mom...but for me - nothing! She will let me take her to the bathroom and help her wash her hands. She will let me change her clothes and bathe her, all the things she's used to nannies doing...but when it comes to playing, snuggling or bonding, I get nada! (But apparently her sub-conscience like me because she will snuggle with me in her sleep). If I ask her for a hug she adamantly says no and sometimes will even go as far as to walk away and give someone else a hug instead. She screams and says no any time I try to hold her in my lap unless I bribe her with a game on my phone or her tablet. If I try to give her food she rejects it but will eat the same food if given by Kevin.
When we adopted Cheyenne, she clearly had a preference for Kevin but didn't push me away. She was affectionate when asked and would let me play with her. With Faith, it feels very different. It feels like she HATES me. Again, when I use my logical brain it all makes sense. But unfortunately, the rejection hurts and it is near impossible not to take it personal. And it hurts like no other hurt I have ever felt! Even though it's only been a two days, it all came to a head yesterday and I spent the majority of the day sobbing. Even our guide tried to talk to her and tell her that we are her family now and I love her and would never hurt her but she just doesn't believe it yet.
But there are moments of hope. There have been a few moments when she has let her guard down and shown me what a sweet and adorable little girl she really is. Yesterday we were eating ice cream and she willingly kept giving me bites of her ice cream. Today we went to a park and let the kids play with some outside toys we bought for them. She had a good time throwing an airplane toy to me, having me catch it and throw it back to her. She took turns with me, Chey and Memere, but at least she included me. At one point I took the girls to the bathroom and while we were washing our hands, I purposefully splashed a little on Faith and laughed. Then I let her splash me and when Cheyenne joined in and they ganged up on mommy, that was BIG fun....but then not 5 minutes later when it was time to leave the play area and I reached for her hand she broke down in tears again, telling our guide she doesn't want to hold my hand. This was seriously less than FIVE minutes from our fun water fight. So yes, it is very, very hard not to take it personal.
Each time she rejects me, I can feel myself withdrawing from her just a little too. But then in those other moments, she melts my heart and I fall back in love with her all over again. I'm just praying as the days and months go on, those good times start to outnumber the bad. Eventually the kids will go to school and Kevin will go to work and she will be stuck with only me. Is it bad that I can't wait for that to happen?
When my logical brain turns back on, I know it won't be like this for long. I remember the hurt I sometimes felt with Cheyenne and now, she is my shadow. You would think those memories and realizations would make it better or easier but sometimes my logical brain turns off and my emotional brain replaces it.
I just wish there was some way I could take her pain away and convince her that this is one mama she will never lose. I will never abuse or abandon her. I know in time she will trust me and love me. Until then, I'll keep appreciating the good times when her guard is down.
Please continue to pray for Faith's heart (and mine). This too shall pass!
This is our guide trying to convince her that I'm not evil.
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