The Hard - Mommy version

Many people outside the adoption community don't know that the child isn't the only one who suffers. Most people (even I at one point) have this fantasy about adoption and how you're doing this great and noble thing by saving a child. Most people can understand how the child experiences grief and loss - especially with international adoption. But what most people don't realize is how the parents and even other siblings can experience grief too.

In order for any adoption to take place, great loss has to occur. It starts with the child being abandoned. The child grows in it's mother's womb and hears her voice for the entire length of the pregnancy. And in some cases, especially in China, the child is not abandoned until they are months or even years old. In those cases the child even gets to know it's mother's smells, mannerisms, etc. Then - all at once - she's gone. And an institution is not a nurturing environment.

In the case of international adoption, the child is adopted by people that don't look like them, don't smell like them and don't speak the same language as them. Also, institutionalized children are often very sheltered and do not get to experience even the small things we take for granted - like riding in a car or being surrounded by people wanting to give you attention.

When we understand all the child is giving up and all the overwhelming feelings of fear and loss, it's easy to feel sympathy when they are crying or even when they act out. This is all part of the grieving process.

In Faith's case, she wasn't abandoned until she was approximately 4 months old. Giant loss! Then she lived in the orphanage for four years until she was placed in the first foster home. Another loss! She lived in that foster home for about one year and then was placed in a different foster home. Great loss! She lived in the second foster home for about one year and then was moved to yet another foster home. Another great loss! She only lived in that third foster home for about 2-3 months before we came to adopt her. Another loss. And with each of these losses, there is one commonality - it always involves a "mama". Even the nannies in the orphanage are often called "mama". So in Faith's case, she has been "abandoned" by at least FIVE different women between me and her birth mother. When I stop to consider this, it's heartbreaking. When I think of this with my logical brain, it all makes sense why she would be hesitant to attach to yet another woman.

Unfortunately, I was the one who picked up Faith and allowed her foster mother to leave on Monday. She was screaming and crying and all I wanted to do was attempt to comfort her. But looking back, it may have given her reason to believe all of the fear and grief she is feeling now is all my fault. Also, since she has already been hurt and abandoned by five other women, it's very possible she believes I will be just one more in the line of women to reject her. All of this combined has caused her to just short of completely reject me.

She has no problem playing with the kids, holding their hands, riding on Nathan's shoulders or piggy back on Casey. She will willingly go to Kevin, and even my mom...but for me - nothing! She will let me take her to the bathroom and help her wash her hands. She will let me change her clothes and bathe her, all the things she's used to nannies doing...but when it comes to playing, snuggling or bonding, I get nada! (But apparently her sub-conscience like me because she will snuggle with me in her sleep). If I ask her for a hug she adamantly says no and sometimes will even go as far as to walk away and give someone else a hug instead. She screams and says no any time I try to hold her in my lap unless I bribe her with a game on my phone or her tablet. If I try to give her food she rejects it but will eat the same food if given by Kevin.

When we adopted Cheyenne, she clearly had a preference for Kevin but didn't push me away. She was affectionate when asked and would let me play with her. With Faith, it feels very different. It feels like she HATES me. Again, when I use my logical brain it all makes sense. But unfortunately, the rejection hurts and it is near impossible not to take it personal. And it hurts like no other hurt I have ever felt! Even though it's only been a two days, it all came to a head yesterday and I spent the majority of the day sobbing. Even our guide tried to talk to her and tell her that we are her family now and I love her and would never hurt her but she just doesn't believe it yet.

But there are moments of hope. There have been a few moments when she has let her guard down and shown me what a sweet and adorable little girl she really is. Yesterday we were eating ice cream and she willingly kept giving me bites of her ice cream. Today we went to a park and let the kids play with some outside toys we bought for them. She had a good time throwing an airplane toy to me, having me catch it and throw it back to her. She took turns with me, Chey and Memere, but at least she included me. At one point I took the girls to the bathroom and while we were washing our hands, I purposefully splashed a little on Faith and laughed. Then I let her splash me and when Cheyenne joined in and they ganged up on mommy, that was BIG fun....but then not 5 minutes later when it was time to leave the play area and I reached for her hand she broke down in tears again, telling our guide she doesn't want to hold my hand. This was seriously less than FIVE minutes from our fun water fight. So yes, it is very, very hard not to take it personal.

Each time she rejects me, I can feel myself withdrawing from her just a little too. But then in those other moments, she melts my heart and I fall back in love with her all over again. I'm just praying as the days and months go on, those good times start to outnumber the bad. Eventually the kids will go to school and Kevin will go to work and she will be stuck with only me. Is it bad that I can't wait for that to happen?

When my logical brain turns back on, I know it won't be like this for long. I remember the hurt I sometimes felt with Cheyenne and now, she is my shadow. You would think those memories and realizations would make it better or easier but sometimes my logical brain turns off and my emotional brain replaces it.

I just wish there was some way I could take her pain away and convince her that this is one mama she will never lose. I will never abuse or abandon her. I know in time she will trust me and love me. Until then, I'll keep appreciating the good times when her guard is down.

Please continue to pray for Faith's heart (and mine). This too shall pass!

This is our guide trying to convince her that I'm not evil. 

Faith's Final Good-bye

We just got back to our hotel after finalizing Faith's adoption. The world is minus one orphan and Faith is officially the newest member of the Back family!

Last night Faith slept very well, much better than we expected. She seems to be getting used to each of us more today. She ate well at breakfast and didn't have any melt downs this morning.

We were scheduled to meet our guide at 9:15 to go back to the civil affairs office to finalize the adoption and get the certificate of adoption. Kevin and I were dreading this because we knew the Foster mom would be there and we were worried Faith would have to be ripped away from her again like we did yesterday.

Everything went smoothly at the civil affairs center. They interviewed us and asked why we wanted to adopt her. I mean what do you say to that really? We want to provide her a loving home in a country where girls are not thrown away like trash. We want to keep her from being thrown out on to the streets at age 14 to fend for herself and likely go into prostitution or drugs. We want her to know the solidarity of a family and not be passed around year after year like she has been the past 3 years? (We found out she's lived with three foster families over the past two years!)...I though all of those things but simply spoke the simplest of truths - that we fell in love with her the moment we saw her face. From the day we saw that first picture, we just knew she was meant to be our daughter. 

After the finalization of the adoption, we took several pictures. She got teary in some but I believe it was just because it was overwhelming. At this point, her foster mother had stayed out of sight so well I didn't even realize she was there.

When it was all said and done, we asked where her foster mom was hiding. We wanted Faith to have the opportunity to give her final good-bye. We were dreading it but ultimately thought Faith needed the closure. Our guide did a nice job in telling her that we would care for her forever and we were going to say good-bye to her auntie one last time. 

When we found her foster mom sitting in the other room, Faith was very happy. They hugged and they both started crying (and so did I). They said their good-byes and gave a few hugs but then Faith went willingly back to Kevin to hold as we left. Once we were back in the van, she was ok and is now back to happily playing with her big sister. 

 

The Hard - Gotcha (Family) Day, October 29, 2018

I guess if adoption was easy everyone would do it, right? Adoption is hard. The paperwork process is long and hard, the waiting is harder and watching your new baby grieve is the hardest!

With Cheyenne, it was easy. She didn't grieve at all the first several days and even when she did show grief it was short lived. We were worried that may mean it would take her a long time to bond with a family. Thankfully that was not true. As we've come to learn, she was treated so poorly in the orphanage, she just couldn't wait to get away.

We expected this experience to be harder. We knew Faith was in a foster family and we knew this would make it more difficult for her to understand. In her eyes, it is the same as if we are truly kidnapping her. We were hoping that our regular video chats would ease the pain and transition but we were not so lucky.

We got to the civil affairs office today before they arrived. When they came in, she was grins and giggles. She gave all of us a hug. We had to complete some paperwork and she was willing to play with all of the kids but any time Kevin or I would attempt to get her to come to us she would just cling to her foster mother. We knew that would make it tough...and it did.

When we were done with the paperwork and allowed to leave, we stopped outside to take some pictures. I wanted some of the her with her foster mother and the orphanage director and then I was hoping to get some of the six of us. She cooperated as long as her familiar faces were there but as soon as they left, the melt down began. Poor thing cried hard for a solid 15 minutes and was screaming for her "auntie" (foster mom). She kept saying she wanted to go back. We thought for sure she would fall asleep in the van on the way back to the hotel but she was still in flight mode.

Once we were back to the room, she seemed to do much better. We pulled out the play doh and all the kids were playing beautifully together. Later, we left to meet our guide for dinner. When we were back with the guide Faith kept asking again for her "auntie". When the guide told her that we would see her auntie in the morning but she would not be returning with her but instead would be staying with us, a new meltdown ensued. This one caused her to choke on her rice and made us eventually leave to take her outside to try to distract her.  Once we were headed back to the room she seemed better again.

Kevin and Casey went to find some fruit for her because she barely ate her dinner and the orphanage staff told us she normally has fruit for a bedtime snack. While they were gone she needed to go potty. She didn't pull her pants down far enough and I was worried she would pee all over them so I pulled them down to her ankles. She was not happy with this and then the mega meltdown stated. I held her and tried to comfort her but she threw a full on tantrum. Eventually she calmed down and we decided to try to give the girls a bath. When we started taking her shoes off, a new mega meltdown began. She told Kevin (threw her screams and tears) that if her shoes were off, she couldn't go back! :( My heart broke into a million pieces. Once she was in the bath, she had a great time. The girls played and splashed until the water was almost cold. Then I bathed her and put them in the matching PJs we bought for them. She is doing ok now but is still grieving and has moments where she starts crying out of the blue for no apparent reason. She clearly misses her "auntie" and her foster sister.

The good news in all of this is - if she was so well bonded to them, it shows she will absolutely bond and attach well to us. We just have to give it time.

Beijing, China and Mom's Bucket List - October 27, 2018

Well, we made it to China! The flight over was pretty uneventful and fortunately our guide Angela was waiting for us at the airport on Friday afternoon as planned. Most of us were really glad to see her but poor Cheyenne was convinced Angela was there to take her away from us. Poor baby hid behind me and Kevin stuck frozen, in tears and refused to say hello to Angela. I had to kneel down eye to eye and remind/convince Cheyenne that she is ours forever and has no reason to be scared of staying here.

One we finally left the airport, Angela helped us get checked into our room and order delivery for dinner. We were all so exhausted that we really too tired to eat. Casey passed out on the sofa within 10 minutes of getting to the room. We ate a little and then got ready for bed. We were all asleep by 8:00...which was a mistake because I woke up wide awake at midnight and had to fight myself to go back to sleep and still woke up every hour. We all got up about 5:00 when we just couldn't force ourselves to stay in bed any longer.

We had breakfast and our guide picked us up at 7:00 am to take the drive to The Great Wall. With traffic, the drive was about two hours.

Mom was super excited. As long as I can remember mom has always dreamed of seeing The Great Wall. This was the biggest reason we decided to come back to Beijing this time. Originally, (before we decided to invite mom to join us), we were planning to see Shanghai or Hong Kong instead of Beijing. Mom would have been fine with either of those places too but it seemed really silly to drag her all the way to China and not see the #1 item on her bucket list. It was also a great opportunity to let Cheyenne experience some of her birth culture.

We took the chair lift up and the boys decided they wanted to do the "steeper but more beautiful" side and Kevin, mom, Cheyenne and I went to the flatter side. In my opinion it was just as beautiful as the other side but didn't have as many steps. Mom was in awe. We walked from watch tower to watch tower and admired the view. When it was time to go, Cheyenne and mom took the chair lift back down and the rest of us took the toboggan slide down. Mom would have taken the slide but they said she was too old! :) This was just as well because we weren't sure if Chey would understand how to operate her toboggan anyway.

Once back down to the bottom we haggled with the locals to buy some souvenirs and then our guide took us to a traditional lunch. I was a little apprehensive about the lunch because I'm such a picky eater, but it was absolutely delicious!

After lunch we went to Jing Shan Park. This is a park that has a trail leading up to some temples and look outs that overlook the forbidden city. The view was awesome and it was great to show that to mom and Cheyenne as well but we didn't stay very long because it was super crowded and it is not considered rude in China to push/wedge your way into a crowd and the people have never heard of "personal space". We snapped a few pictures and went back to the van.

We convinced the van driver to take the long way back to the hotel so that we could see "The Bird's Nest". This is the 2008 Olympic stadium shaped like a giant bird's nest. It's really cool to see. Plus, taking the long way gave mom an opportunity to truly experience the Beijing traffic chaos where traffic signals and painted lanes are all (apparently) optional!

Once back to the room we played cards and ordered dinner (Pizza Hut of all places). After dinner we were all exhausted again so we went to bed early. You would think we would have learned our lesson the night before but we didn't. We were in bed at 8:30 and back to wide awake at 3:00 this morning. Again, we forced ourselves to stay in bed until 6:00. Once up we packed up our stuff and took a walk in search for the closest McDonald's. According to Siri we were on top of our destination but no Mc D's in sight (Siri hates me so this is no surprise). We settled for a Burger King. We ate and came back to the hotel. Now we're killing time until our guide comes to get us to take us to the airport.

This afternoon we are flying to Nanning. Nanning is the capital city of Gaungxi Province which is the city where we will meet Faith tomorrow. I'm actually trying not to think about it too much because once I do, I'll be a nervous wreck. As of right now we aren't scheduled to meet her until tomorrow afternoon but I'm anxious to see what time our guide tells us. When we adopted Cheyenne we weren't scheduled until 3:00 and when we arrived in her city our guide told us it was moved to 10:00 in the morning.

I will probably write another post tomorrow morning prior to our big meeting. Hopefully that will give me a chance to calm my nerves. You would think the second time around would be less nerving but that is certainly not the case. More on that later as I'm trying not to think about that yet.

Please stay tuned and continue to pray for safe travels and a smooth transition for all of us.

From 2 to 4 in 19 months because love doesn't divide - it multiplies!

I remember driving in my car one day while I was pregnant with Casey. Nathan was three years old and he was my whole world. I just couldn't imagine loving another child as much as I loved Nathan. There just wasn't enough room in my heart. I vividly remember calling my mother in tears. I was a mess. What had I done? I always wanted two kids but in that moment I just couldn't fathom how it would work. This new little boy just wouldn't be loved as much because I was not willing to divide the love I had for Nathan. Then my mother told me the most profound statement I may have ever heard. She said, "Love doesn't divide...it multiplies! So you always have enough love to go around." And she was right.

Ten years after Casey was born we fell in love with a little girl half way around the world. We spent 9 months preparing document after document to bring her home. We finally welcomed her into our family in March of 2017. While we were mid-way through her paperwork process Kevin started talking to me about adopting two little girls...mind you, this is the same man who didn't want any kids when we first met! I was not even wrapping my head around having a third child (when the kids outnumber the parents, you're in trouble), I certainly couldn't picture having four kids! Then when we were in China to bring Cheyenne home, I feared for my life every time we were in a moving vehicle. So in those moments, I would tell Kevin, "Oh no! we are never doing this again!" (Which for the record I also said after giving birth to Nathan!)

But something happens when you leave China. You get settled into your new "normal" and you start to remember the faces of those you left behind. Then you recall the dire circumstances the children face in China. When you're an orphan and living in an institution, you "age out" on your 14th birthday! 14! And then you are no longer eligible to be adopted and unless you are severely mentally or physically handicapped you are kicked out to the streets. For the girls, this often leads to sex trafficking and/or prostitution. So when you get settled in to your new normal and you start to remember all those faces you left behind, you think, "We have room for one more!"

So here we are...in one more day and a wake up we will be boarding the plane to take another long journey to bring home our "one more". This little girl who we plan to name Faith stole our hearts back in January. The day we meet Faith will be just 19 months and 2 days from the day we met Cheyenne. So that means we have grown from two kids to four in just 19 months!

In trying not to panic, the only words that bring comfort is the reminder from my mom all those years ago...love doesn't divide, it multiplies. 

God Blesses the Broken Road

If we are Facebook Friends and you are a member of my Faith Over Fear page, you probably already know this story. But I know a lot of new friends are now following my blog, so I wanted to recap how we got here.

We decided to add one more little girl to our family pretty much as soon as we brought Cheyenne home. We were originally matched with a beautiful little girl that I found on a China advocacy page. She was 4.5 years old. However, the day after we made the announcement to our families, we got some devastating news...that little girl's medical update came back with new information indicating her needs would grow to be much more than Kevin and I feel adequately able to handle - especially with three other kids to think of. So after learning this information, we made the extremely difficult decision to withdrawal our request to adopt her. Since we are not proceeding with her, I am unable to share any additional information about her. But we do continue to pray that she finds a family.

We were already emotionally attached to that little girl and it took some time for our hearts to feel ready to attach to someone else. However, in reviewing another agency's advocacy page, I saw the beautiful face of our next daughter! This little girl was just about to turn 6 in mid-January. In early January, I inquired about her with the agency that had her file. Initially they blew me off because we hadn't been home a year since Cheyenne's placement. See, China recently changed their rules and require a year from placement before you can even request "pre-approval" on another child. However, the agency that had the first little girl was able to get pre-approval for us, so I knew it could be done. But the new agency was unwilling to try based on how they were interpreting the new rules...

So we went away for a while and looked at a few other files but our hearts and mind kept going back to the little girl at the other agency.

Those of you who know me well know that I can be very persistent when I want something or I feel passionate about something. To me, it wasn't right that they weren't even willing to try to get something that I knew could be done. So my mama bear kicked in and I sent an email to them and begged them to at least try. The worst that could happen is China would say no. I told them if it was a fee they were concerned about, we would pay it but we couldn't just sit by without asking. They made us jump through a few hoops (and a few fees), but ultimately agreed to try!

I am very happy to announce that they submitted our request for pre-approval on Thursday 2/8 and we received the pre-approval from China on 2/9! 24 hour approval is rare, especially when we were expecting push back due to our lack of one year home. But it happened! And this shows us that God was truly leading our hearts to THIS little girl and it is meant to be in all the same ways Cheyenne was meant for us. God blessed the broken road....

We had originally planned to name our next daughter "Noel". We had that name in mind for months at the beginning of this process. But then this summer several things occurred which made us even question whether or not it would be the right decision to continue to grow our family at this time. Kevin was struggling with some medical concerns (thankfully he's better now) and we found out that Cheyenne will likely need to have brain surgery in an attempt to cure her Epilepsy (See separate posts for more on that one). 

Our time and energy was running very thin (as was my emotional stability).  But we had fought for this little girl and she already felt like ours. I kept thinking if I was really pregnant, we certainly wouldn't abort because of all of this. But that's one benefit to adoption, you can always say no right up until you are in country and signing the legal paperwork. Our home was prepared but we had to make sure our hearts were prepared.

We talked about it and prayed about it for a few weeks. Then one Saturday morning, I heard a message loud and clear that said "Fear is what is keeping you from her. Fear is not Holy. You need to have faith over fear. You need to have Faith that God has a plan." In that moment I knew that we had to change her name to Faith. Faith would be a constant reminder to trust in the Lord, even when in doubt. Then later that day I saw this picture while scanning my Facebook feed:

For us, that was the confirmation we needed to proceed. From that day on we started referring to her as Faith and haven't once doubted the decision since then. We know that God has big plans for us and for that little girl and we can't wait to discover what happens next!